Thursday, September 20, 2007

The Flight out.

Getting on a plane is not one of my "Hey that sounds like a bunch of fun" moments. Let me make this clear, I am not scared to fly in fact I kind of like the act itself. What really chaps me is everyone else I have to deal with. The exotic dancer with a bad case of the burbles. The two kids that are sitting next to me that have been given enough sugar to kill a rhino. The lady that has a bladder the size of a tennis ball but is drinking out of what I can only describes as a 2 gallon bucket of coffee. I always get an isle seat…always. What this means is I got to see this woman’s coach, in coach, as her coach bag whacked me in the head for the whole trip to Atlanta. She would talk about pretty much anything. Honestly this woman would not let me get a word in and let me tell you that is saying something cause I can talk with the best of them.

After getting off the flight to Atlanta I figured that I had made it over the hump. Beat the system. It was all down hill from here you might say. Wronger words have never been spoken. As I am working my way down the belly of the beast that is going to trap me for the next 5 1/2 hours I see what I will from this moment forward to referred to as “The 26th row of hell”. You see my friends karma is a very angry cop with a new tazer and he treating me like he would a drunken frat boy with a surly attitude. His version of payback is now displayed before me as the cutest little kids in the 26th row, two of them, in 26a and 26b, and you just know I am 26c. Tense is the word that comes to mind when I see this. It is not that I don’t get along with kids, I do…honestly I am just a huge kid so we relate on many levels. Pokemon…I got you dog, bust out bulbasaur on that guy. See I am worldly. The problem is I have trouble sitting still for hours on end can you even start to fathom being 4 or 6 years of age and sitting still for more than 5 hours. Neither can they and they only lasted about 5 minutes after the plane left the ground. They climbed over me, kicked the seats, kicked each other, kicked me, made farting sounds, made farting sounds to see who was loudest…longest...and I quote here “Most Dad like”. At some point this turned ugly and the real ammo came out to win the game. I will leave this with the parents speaking in some garbled speech pattern I could not even pick up on. I would like to mention that they where across the isle and found no need to switch with me. They where on a little mini vacation and I was the gimp that got to handle the hellions! At about the 4 hour mark they ran out of steam and the older one fell to sleep on my left arm. This was a welcome relief until he started to drool.

I am going to need a vacation after this trip.

Scott.
.

11 comments:

nexite said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
nexite said...

"karma is a very angry cop with a new tazer"

What a great line!

The Phosgene Kid said...

those kids are why they stopped putting the little airholes in plastic bags.

Stopped by Jewel's site and saw the shell you had made her - it was fantastic!! I can't believe how delicate it is.

angel said...

oh i love aeroplane stories... i've never flown far enough to have my own so i live vicariously through others!

Anonymous said...

All I want to say is shame on those parents for not sitting with those kids. They could have easily switched out with each other to get their mini vacation without being so irresponsible and inconsiderate to others, mainly you. I am sure you handled it well just because you are you but having flown many times with my kids when they were small..it really pisses me off. I hope the rest of the trip makes up for it.
Kim

Damsel Underdressed said...

Thanks a lot, Gnat! I have to fly tomorrow! And I hate flying! I'm going to Vegas with my girlfriend for a hair show. Thank God for Xanax! I'll loan you one the next time you have to fly. ;)

snowelf said...

Wow... as a mother this shocks me. I would NEVER dream of leaving my chilis separated from me on a plane and would have begged you to switch seats with me!! Cause I know kids can be incredibly annoying to other people--and not all people even like kids to begin with. Plus, I would have totally prepped my chilis on what behavior I expected from them on the plane and had plenty of entertainment to keep them busy. Shame on those parents indeed!

--snow

The Phosgene Kid said...

I don't mind the flying stuff as much as I hate the airport shit.

javajo said...

Well Neckus I have to say I have enjoyed reading this little ditty. Reminds me of all those long trips over the Pacific with my little hellion. Two words. Children's Tylenol. Any parent who boards a child on an airplane without sedatives should given a mineral spirits enema. Love the humor bud, hope all is well. J.

Anonymous said...

I don't mind flying, It's the chaos at the airport and the scheduling nightmares that I hate :) My wife and I flew out to Tampa from San Jose a few weeks ago on US Air. We had originally booked flights with only one stopover since San Jose is not a hub for them. 1 week before the flights both were rescheduled by the airline and on the way home, the new itinerary had us stop in 3 places! Took us 12 hours total for what is normally a 6 hour flight. The airline gods were smiling on us, though, as we had no late flights and got into san jose half an hour early! Even US Air has a it's good days I guess. Gathered yet out of the new furnace? Do tell....

Larry C

Rich said...

Hey Gnat,

I got your piece in the mail the other day. THANKS! It's terribly Cool, with a capital C.

I've put up a post which features your glass in Sydney, Australia. I also put a link to your site.